Long Distance Relationships

They don't work, but they're great for vacation booty.

Spanking - With Love

Well boys, with all the advice I've given so far, you should have a lady by now (or should I say, for now). Time to start throwing out the hard stuff. That's right, I'm talking a little spanking here.

Go ahead and wind up and slap one down. The rear is thick (thicker if you're lucky) so there isn't a lot of pain registered. Some freaks actually like it to hurt, but I'm a gentle soul and only strike with about 75% of my ability (unless I'm mad). Some girls even like to be punched in the back of the head when you're behind. Now that's a keeper!

Spanking is also a nice way of saying, "Girl, I'm into you." So next time you're in public, wind up and give her a smack on the bottom. She'll be surprised at first, especially if you're at the mall or something, but she'll get the message when you immediate wink and whisper, "I dig you like a grave digger," or something creative like that.

Love pat on the back... another motto I live by.

Follow Up To Lady Love's Advice

Lady Love's last post got me thinking. If women want a married man, then here's what you do: BUY AND WEAR A WEDDING BAND.

No, don't get engaged or married. Just buy a band. Tell the gal you wanna share your special something with that you're married and that you love the lady at home. Play hard to get. Show her what a great husband you are and then: BAM! You've struck gold.

At the end, show her how sad you are for what happend and she won't even hate you when you dump her.

Brilliant!

Lady Love Speaks

GENTLEMEN! We are honored to have a post sent in by the brilliant Lady Love. As mentioned in my second post, she's a talented home wrecker who knows how to get the goods. She's writing from a female perspective and her advice is aimed at the ladies, but pay attention! There's gold to be gleamed from here. And now, on to her advice:

"Ladies! How do you know that he is the right man for you? Check for a ring! There's nothing like a wedding band or engagement ring to say hes mr right because you already know that he has passed another woman's stringent tests. Why do all the investigating and hoop jumping, when you can cut right to the front of the line.

Also, all of the annoying habits that his wife has already broken is even more of a reason to be interested. Why go buy something brand new, when you have one that's broken in and comfy.

Why do you think married men are interested in single females? The green grass complex!"

(hands clapping) BRAVO! BRAVO! Well done, Lady Love.

Music With A Message

Chicks like soft music. But chicks also pay more attention to lyrics than guys do, I think. So this is what I recommend: Give her a mixed CD with songs that have a special meaning. Here are a few of my favorites:

1. The Bad Touch - Bloodhound Gang: "Me and you baby are nothing but mammals, so let's do it like they do in the Discovery Channel." Like I said before, these guys are Master Poets in my book.
2. Closer - NIN: "I want to feel you from the inside." - Nice visual.
3. Your Body Is A Wonderland - John Mayer (I know, but he actually communicates a good message in this one): "You're body's my Disneyland" - My alternative lyrics to this song.
4. Me So Honny - 2 Live Crew: "Me Love You Long Time" - Basically any song by these dudes.
5. Finish What 'Ya Started - Van Halen: "Come on and... FINISH ME!" - Romantics, these guys.
6. Big Dumb Sex - Soundgarden: "I know what to do. I'm gonna ...., ...., .... you, .... you!" - Use your imagination for the dots. Here's a hint: F@*K
7. Sexual Healing - Marvin Gaye: See below.
8. Let's Get It On - Marvin Gaye: Uhm, the titles are enough for these 2. This guy was smooth! Damn I wish he was still around.
9. Love In An Elevator - Aerosmith: I can add escalator to this one!
10. I Touch Myself - Divinyls: Whoops... Wrong list!!!

You get the point. Putting together such a CD will show that you gave it some thought and are a man of action. Show her your intentions and she'll love you for it. Skip the romantic mumbo jumbo and go for the stuff with a crystal clear message.

Love Poem

I'm not fond of poetry, but this song by The Bloodhound Gang touched something. I enjoyed it so much that I thought I'd share:

Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo
by The Bloodhound Gang

Vulcanize the whoopee stick
In the ham wallet

Cattle prod the oyster ditch
With the lap rocket

Batter dip the cranny ax
In the gut locker

Retrofit the pudding hatch
Ooh la la
With the boink swatter

If I get you in the loop when
I make a point to be straight with you then
In lieu of the innuendo in the end know my intent though
I Brazillian wax poetic
So hypothetically
I don't wanna beat around the bush

Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo
Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo

Marinate the nether rod
In the squish mitten

Power drill the yippee bog
With the dew piston

Pressure wash the quiver bone
In the bitch wrinkle (* this is my favorite part!)

Cannonball the fiddle cove
Ooh la la
With the pork steeple

If I get you in the loop when
I make a point to be straight with you then
In lieu of the innuendo in the end know my intent though
I Brazillian wax poetic
So hypothetically
I don't wanna beat around the bush

Foxtrot Unifrom Charlie Kilo
Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo

Put the you know what in the you know where
Put the you know what in the you know where
Put the you know what in the you know where
Put the you know what in the you know where
Pronto

--

(* me wiping away a tear *) What a lyrical masterpiece. It's so deep, though, that it's kind of hard to understand what they're talking about. Get this from Amazon.com or buy it at The Bloodhound Gang's website.

Honesty, Snoletchtly

Honesty is a brrrrriatch! We've all been here: "Honey, does this (dress, jeans, shirt, skirt, blouse, WHATEVER) make me look fat?"

The male brain freaks at any variation of these words. How to answer? How to answer? Well, I am here to make this easy with my 2 step plan. You will never fear this question again.

The answer varies, depending on the stage of your relationship.

PLAN 1: If you've done the deed, tell her yes, she looks fat. Or try this: "No, those jeans don't make you look fat, but your ass does."

This will lead to either her dieting or to a breakup. Either way, you're good because if she diets, she looks good and if she dumps you, then you get to go after a hotter skinnier chicky monga.

PLAN 2: If you haven't closed the deal, you may stick to the married guy response, "No, baby. You look awesome!"

Once you deep the wick, revert to plan 1. Easy, huh?

Grooming

OK, so guys are big into grooming now a days. They 'style,' not cut, their hair. They remove all body hair with lasers, wax, razors, and who know what else. They take a damn bath in cologne and wear clothes from Express for Men. What a joke!

Guys, do you really want to know how to score? Here's what you do: STOP IT WITH ALL THE EXTRA GROOMING! Come on, people! Have we forgotten that we are biological beings? We are made to attract chicks. They dig our scent! Go check your high school biology books if you don't believe me.

Men emit pheromones that attract women. Why would you spray on some scent that a geek devised in some lab and that is made out of whale barf? Try this: Don't shower for a week and let some chick dig your scent. She'll love it an an animalistic way and trust me, that's a good thing!

As for all that other grooming, it's OK to trim a little down there (by down there I mean your pubes), but don't go crazy shaving everything off. Get a proper hair cut, not some style out of some women's magazine. Wear clothes FOR MEN. You'll thank me on this when you see how much your scorability will rise.

The Love Experts

Damn it! Someone left me a message with the following link:
http://www.myspace.com/loveexperts

Bastards took my blog name. Ah, who cares. I'm not above helping someone out (especially if helps you get some).

You have my permission to check them out. Just be careful! This is a MySpace site, so don't get molested!

Music 4 Chicks 2

OK, so I get a comment to add Vanessa Carlton to the list of music that chicks dig. Fine, feel free to add her.

Point is, listen to any sappy artists (if you can call that crap art) and chicks are bound to dig it. Pay special attention to those idiots that put out poetry books. Nothing worse than a sappy artist that thinks he or she is also a writer.

Want to read a real writer? YOU'RE READING ONE, BABY!

Quick Tip For Rubber Use

Things can get tricky when wearing rubbers. Here's a quick tip:

Use the 'for her pleasure' kind, but turn them inside out. This way, you'll get all the pleasure!

Nice, huh?

Chicks & Porn

What a great combo, huh? Chicken & Waffles, Chicks & Porn. Not quite the same flow, but still a good yet weird combo.

But chicks don't dig the porn like guys, unless you're dating a porn star and you're watching her video (damn that'd be hot as hell). But porn makes a great guide for chicks because you can show them what you want! “Uh, honey...pay special attention to this move” or, "see, no teeth!" Slow motion, pause and rewind will be your best friends.

So give a girl a DVD, but stay away from the hardcore stuff, that is, unless your special relationship has flowered up to that loving backdoor stage. Tell her what scene to pay attention to and then get rewarded with the real thing.

Another benefit of porn movies is their clever titles. Here are some of my favorites:

1. Shindler's Fist – Wow. You may not want to try this, but it's an interesting flick.
   
2. Your Ass in the Park - Artsy outdoor stuff.
   
3. King Dong
4. The Mighty *ucks - Uhm, replace the * with an 'F' to get the real title.
   
5. The Dongfather
6. The Dongfather II - Unlike The Godfather, this one has 9 installments...so far. Like The Godfather, the first 2 are the best.
7. Sideways - This one came out before the Hollywood version. They also have Backwards, Upside Down and a few others.
8. Tit-anic - Great flick with lots of, well, you know.
   
9. Buff The Vampire Layer - Horror porn. Brilliant.
   
10. Forrest Hump - More artsy outdoor stuff.
    
11. Shaving Ryan's Privates – Don't worry, this is about a chick. You can pick up some great grooming habits from this one.
    

... and on, and on.

Music 4 Chicks

So this hot chick pulls up next to me and guess what she’s listening to? Kenny G… and she’s crying. I was listening to a CD by Led Zeppelin at the time and honked, giving her a wink and a thumbs up. She cried even harder.

That’s how I discovered the power of Kenny G on chicks. I personally think he sucks, but damn, chicks dig him! So I decided to post my recommendation for chick artists:

1. Kenny G – Panty melter, man. Works every time.
   
2. Counting Crows – Sappy little wimpy music that depressed chicks dig. Buy the first CD. The rest suck. Even chicks don't dig them that much.
   
3. Usher – Wanna be Michael Jackson that chicks would do.
4. Tori Amos – Double positive: lesbians dig her, too. Same goes for Melissa Etheridge, who is actually gay. For real, she is! Who knew?
   
5. Alanis Morissette – Angry chicks dig her. Thrash other dicks and she’ll dig you!

I know, I know; this is a painful list. But guys, trust me on this. Get these artists! The Kid will thank you. By The Kid I mean your johnson.

Drop me a line with your recommendations.

99¢ Wonder

This one is for those of you fortunate enough to live in romantic Los Angeles. I have discovered a wonder store: The 99¢ Store!

Seems like a regular store, right? Well, there’s something special about it. They sell condoms! That’s right, you can get a dozen rubbers for 99¢! So I brought along one of those little purple baskets and emptied out the shelf. The checkout girl was cute so I winked at her and gave her my card while I was at it (my love card, that is...see blog entry below). What a bargain! A dozen brand name rubbers for 99¢. I bought red ones, blue ones, ribbed, studded, lubricated, extra thin for extra pleasure…but no chocolate ones.

Guys, there’s no excuse for not carrying these little life savers (and life inhibitors) around. Buy them up and stock them EVERYWHERE! Most places will sell a box of 3 for like $3 and a dozen for $7 – $8. I found my new store! I now have a box under my bed, under my couch, one in the glove compartment (you never know), and one in my wallet. I even stashed a box at each of my bootie calls.

Thank you 99¢ Store! You are my new best friend!

BTW, it's damned hard to type that little cent (¢) sign. Is this thing becoming extinct? How are you supposed to... oh, never mind.

Gift Giving Guide, Part 1

So are chocolate and flowers out? No, I don't think so. They will never be out, but they may need a little help to stop them from being the old safe boring gift.

You want to impress and not be boring? Try this: Get that special someone a box of chocolates, but open the box. Take out every other candy and, in its place, insert a prophylactic. That's right, stick a rubber right in there. I guarantee you won't get a blasé "thank you" out of this one! Plus, you get to eat half the candy so everyone wins!

And if you really want to get extra fancy, insert a chocolate flavored rubber like these:


As for the flowers, just give them along with the chocolate. Don't spend a lot of money on these, though, as the box of love will be the main attraction.

More gift giving advice to come!

Love Cards

I wrote about the importance of giving out your e-mail address. Well, doesn't getting business cards (or as I like to call them, love cards) seem to make more sense? I mean, I have tons of advice, but this one is brilliant!

You don't want to scribble your e-mail address on some napkin or on a girls hand. What if she needs to blow her nose or even worse, goes to the john, uses the napkin and then washes her hands? No, business cards are the way to go.

Be creative and get them thinking. Choose a witty name and design. Make an impression!

Check out my card:


Isn't that brilliant? Thanks, I know. I even have a special one that shows ALL of me.

Popular Demand

Due to popular demand, I'm going to start writing a little more frequently (or at least try to). I've received tons of great feedback asking for more wisdom droppings so I'm gonna give 'em to ya! But people, try not to flood my e-mail account. Just leave a comment instead.

Stay tuned and enjoy! You asked for it.

Can I Have Your...

Asking for phone numbers is so lame! When was the phone invented? That's right, a long ass time ago. Show the ladies that you are not a looser and that you have joined the digital age; ask for their e-mail address. That's right, e-mail.

How many people answer their phone while at work? Not many. But I bet that you can find every single person checking their e-mail all day! E-mail is addicting, so take advantage of this. Pushers don't make money selling aspirin, an old drug. They make money selling the addictive stuff. Ask for e-mail addresses and give yours out freely.

And, if for some reason someone doesn't return your messages, spam them. You can make a few bucks doing this so this is a no loose proposition.

Phone number: OUT/NO. E-mail: IN/YES.

Dare 2 Care

Communication is the key, people! How can someone know that you wanna hook up if they don't even know what your intentions are, or for that matter, even know you? I know some people are against this, but you must make yourself known. Here's how: STARE!

I know some people say that this is rude, but it really isn't. Women are attention whores. They love it when men (or other dykes) stare at their bulging bulges. Why else would they push them up, wear see-through clothes, and squeeze into ridiculously tight clothing? Why? I'll tell you why: they love it!

So show them that you care and stare. That's right, make it known that you've got a bone... and would like to share. Some may give you a dirty look, but trust me: they don't mean it! And when you stare, be polite and make it obvious. Look them up, down and around.

So follow my one of many mottos: Dare to care and stare!

Who Are The Experts?

We are! I am well trained and experienced in the field of amorous encounters and mating drive-byes. I am a 44 year old former columnist for the Ryegate Post in Montana and a romance novelists whose equipment still works fine. I finally got tired of the militia trying to recruit me and having nothing but sheep to look at, so I am now living away form shotgun-ville and in a friendly part of Los Angeles (not the gay part, even though I'm not homophobic).

I have a PhD in Psychology from Del Ho College and a Bachelors in Communication from ITT Tech. I'm working towards a Masters in Business from an Internet college (by the way, a great place to meet potential friends with benefits!).

My writing career is taking off so I thought I'd share some of the golden advice that I've learned from hitting the field as I did research for my books. These nuggets of wisdom will get you what you want guaranteed!

I mainly write for heterosexual men, but homos can also learn from what I pen. Most homos I've met are like chicks anyway, so feel free to try the lines and advice that I put down here. By the way, don't let my honest language fool you; I am not homophobic by any means. I'll go as far as to admit that I really like lesbos (I may even love them).

I say that we are the experts because once in a while, I will post an entry from a good friend of mine. She's also a master when it comes to getting in and out of relationships, even being as experienced as to have broken up a few marriages. We don't necessarily condone it, but who can stop the heart when it has its cross hairs on another's goodies? She has a PhD in Child Psychology and is therefore more than qualified to give her insights into the minds of men. Her female perspective will surely inform and lead both men and women towards the doors of romance... keys included!

So stay tuned and learn how to hook up with ease! And please, if you use our advice and have success (and surely you will), drop us a note and fill us in on your experiences. Don't be shy and give us the juicy details! I'll post the good ones.

The Love Author

Welcome to a new year and to The Love Author here on Blogger! I will post most Mondays, but in honor of Valentine's, I'm posting on Feb. 14. You won't find any politically correct crap here, just good advice that will get you what you're yearning for...some action and passion!

Looking for advice on how to join the love fest and get yourself into a relationship? You've come to the right place. Looking for advice on an existing relationship? Again, you've come to the right place. Looking for advice on how to get a one time grind session? Well, we don't encourage promiscuity, but we're still the destination of choice. Looking for advice on how to end a joyous and wonderful relationship? Well....even then, you're still in the right place.

Like a cheap hooker's scent on you after a paid session, we're all over it!

As our name implies, we are experts in the field of mating. It is our hope that the advice that will fill this little corner of the Internet will spark a bomb under your love life (or lives, if you're bi and want to get with everything on 2 legs – look elsewhere for 4 legged encounters, you creeps! *doggie style excluded).

This will be a weekly blog because I am really busy with my writing career (and hooking up!). I may write more than once a week, but stay tuned and leave your comments. I'll even post the good stuff.

More on our credentials next week!