Long Distance Relationships

They don't work, but they're great for vacation booty.

Spanking - With Love

Well boys, with all the advice I've given so far, you should have a lady by now (or should I say, for now). Time to start throwing out the hard stuff. That's right, I'm talking a little spanking here.

Go ahead and wind up and slap one down. The rear is thick (thicker if you're lucky) so there isn't a lot of pain registered. Some freaks actually like it to hurt, but I'm a gentle soul and only strike with about 75% of my ability (unless I'm mad). Some girls even like to be punched in the back of the head when you're behind. Now that's a keeper!

Spanking is also a nice way of saying, "Girl, I'm into you." So next time you're in public, wind up and give her a smack on the bottom. She'll be surprised at first, especially if you're at the mall or something, but she'll get the message when you immediate wink and whisper, "I dig you like a grave digger," or something creative like that.

Love pat on the back... another motto I live by.

Follow Up To Lady Love's Advice

Lady Love's last post got me thinking. If women want a married man, then here's what you do: BUY AND WEAR A WEDDING BAND.

No, don't get engaged or married. Just buy a band. Tell the gal you wanna share your special something with that you're married and that you love the lady at home. Play hard to get. Show her what a great husband you are and then: BAM! You've struck gold.

At the end, show her how sad you are for what happend and she won't even hate you when you dump her.

Brilliant!

Lady Love Speaks

GENTLEMEN! We are honored to have a post sent in by the brilliant Lady Love. As mentioned in my second post, she's a talented home wrecker who knows how to get the goods. She's writing from a female perspective and her advice is aimed at the ladies, but pay attention! There's gold to be gleamed from here. And now, on to her advice:

"Ladies! How do you know that he is the right man for you? Check for a ring! There's nothing like a wedding band or engagement ring to say hes mr right because you already know that he has passed another woman's stringent tests. Why do all the investigating and hoop jumping, when you can cut right to the front of the line.

Also, all of the annoying habits that his wife has already broken is even more of a reason to be interested. Why go buy something brand new, when you have one that's broken in and comfy.

Why do you think married men are interested in single females? The green grass complex!"

(hands clapping) BRAVO! BRAVO! Well done, Lady Love.

Music With A Message

Chicks like soft music. But chicks also pay more attention to lyrics than guys do, I think. So this is what I recommend: Give her a mixed CD with songs that have a special meaning. Here are a few of my favorites:

1. The Bad Touch - Bloodhound Gang: "Me and you baby are nothing but mammals, so let's do it like they do in the Discovery Channel." Like I said before, these guys are Master Poets in my book.
2. Closer - NIN: "I want to feel you from the inside." - Nice visual.
3. Your Body Is A Wonderland - John Mayer (I know, but he actually communicates a good message in this one): "You're body's my Disneyland" - My alternative lyrics to this song.
4. Me So Honny - 2 Live Crew: "Me Love You Long Time" - Basically any song by these dudes.
5. Finish What 'Ya Started - Van Halen: "Come on and... FINISH ME!" - Romantics, these guys.
6. Big Dumb Sex - Soundgarden: "I know what to do. I'm gonna ...., ...., .... you, .... you!" - Use your imagination for the dots. Here's a hint: F@*K
7. Sexual Healing - Marvin Gaye: See below.
8. Let's Get It On - Marvin Gaye: Uhm, the titles are enough for these 2. This guy was smooth! Damn I wish he was still around.
9. Love In An Elevator - Aerosmith: I can add escalator to this one!
10. I Touch Myself - Divinyls: Whoops... Wrong list!!!

You get the point. Putting together such a CD will show that you gave it some thought and are a man of action. Show her your intentions and she'll love you for it. Skip the romantic mumbo jumbo and go for the stuff with a crystal clear message.